facebook-stalking people you knew in elementary school

It's an interesting experience to look up people you haven't had contact with since 1996. First of all, I always forget that these people have been aging at the same rate I have been for the last ten-to-fifteen years. When I look at little Olga Marin's Facebook profile, I expect to see her chubby freckled face looking exactly like it did in Mrs. Aden's class, not an adult social worker living in Chicago with a husband and two kids. YOU'RE TOO YOUNG FOR THAT, OLGA, WHAT THE HECK?!

But many of the discoveries are fascinating. You find that your former best friend is now an aspiring indie rocker or that the bully who picked on you is now heavily tattooed with an enormous beard. (Both true!)

So, I looked up my first crush.

Now, this is a sad story. When I was in the first grade, I fell madly in love with a beautiful girl named Katia. (At least, I shall call her "Katia," after the first female name I found by pressing the "Random Article" button in Wikipedia, in order to protect her identity, plus make it more likely that she doesn't find this blog post and think I'm a huge creep for writing about this.) Anyway, I confessed my love for her in front of a large group of my male friends. I quickly realized this was a mistake - for the rest of my first grade year and much of my time in elementary school, the guys never let me live it down. So, I abandoned my romantic pursuits in favor of running around the playground pretending to be a ninja turtle.

Anyway, Katia seems like she's doing pretty well, from what I can glean off the ol' Facebook. But we're here to enter the portal to an alternate universe, seeing for ourselves: "WHAT IF six-year-old Andy had asked out six(?)-year-old Katia, she had said yes, and their exceedingly young courtship had blossomed into marriage when they were eventually older than six?"

Here's the basic facts about the girl that I can glean from Facebook, which I remind you, consists of information she has made public to the entire world so it's totally not that creepy:

- Katia is a Christian. That's good - I am also a Christian, and shared faith is one of my prerequisites for marriage. However, when the only book in your "Favorite Books" list is "The Bible," I immediately start to wonder about your personal depth. (ED NOTE: I have like ninety Facebook friends whose only entry under "Favorite Books" is "The Bible," so that can't narrow it down too much. Also, sorry if the only book on your favorites list is the Bible. I still think you're a good person.)

- Katia is really girly. She likes chick flicks, acoustic guitar music, shopping, and Twilight. None of this is bad, and many girls I know like one or some combination of those things. But like listing "The Bible" as your only book, when ALL of your movies are chick flicks, ALL of your activities involve consumerism, and ALL of your music is sung by emotional guitar-playing white guys with wispy hair and boyish grins, I start wondering how deep our friendship could possibly be.

- I think Katia has a dog. I do like dogs, but dogs make me sneeze. This is generally a minor inconvenience, BUT REMEMBER OUR STARTING POINT: I'm a first-grader, I've asked Katia out, and she said yes. When in the first grade, my allergies were much more severe than they are now. If she had a dog back then, the fur neigh well have killed me dead.

So, let's ponder the logistics. So I'm a first grader, and I've asked Katia out. Where do first graders go on dates? More importantly, how do they get there? The mind boggles.

Since Katia, I've only officially dated two girls, one of whom is now my wife. I've had significant interest in probably fifteen or so different girls; most of these crushes fizzled out naturally over the course of a anywhere from a few weeks to a few years, while others crashed and burned when she started dating someone else or not-so-subtly knocked me back. But as I play the "what-if" game, I'm reminded of, somewhat randomly, The Chronicles of Narnia. At one point Lucy asks Aslan what would have happened if she'd made a different decision. Aslan's response? "Child, did I not explain to you once before that no one is ever told what would have happened?" (The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, Ch. 10)

I'm happy with the life that I have. And the moral of the story is this: Facebook stalking is creepy. Don't do it.