phoning it in

I suppose every fast has at least one moment when the person fasting is tempted to stop trying. When I've given up other things I've had spells where I gritted through and kept on not out of devotion to God or desire to demonstrate my devotion, but out of little more than sheer stubbornness.

Man, today is a day when I want to quit. Yesterday marked the twentieth of forty lenten posts, so I like to think I have an excuse for hitting my first serious dry moment. Maybe I'm just too wordy or try to be too clever. I know when I had to blog for different classes we'd have assignments such as, "Write a fifty word response to today's lecture." I'd typically wrap things up at three hundred or so words. I think most TAs hated me.

I feel kind of like I'm copping out with a post about not knowing what I should post. I also fear that I'm not being true to the spirit of Lent. As Jesus says:

When you go without eating, don't try to look gloomy as those show-offs do when they go without eating. I can assure you that they already have their reward. Instead, comb your hair and wash your face. Then others won't know that you are going without eating. But your Father sees what is done in private, and he will reward you. (Matthew 6:16-18, Contemporary English Version)

I don't want this post to be me looking gloomy to show how firm my resolve is. For one, I'm well aware many others are doing fasts much more difficult than this! But, as I've said earlier, one of the driving forces behind this experiment is that I often hold myself back and don't share what's on my mind. My Father in heaven may see what I think in private, but very few others do.

So, maybe I'm just phoning it in tonight. At any rate, this is who I am and what's going on in my head.