because the world needs yet another blog post about the ninja turtles

There’s been quite the buzz surrounding the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles lately, after the news broke that Michael Bay plans to reboot the franchise with another movie, only this time the turtles will be aliens from outer space. I’ve read a lot of vitriol directed toward Mr. Bay, often with the complaint, "THEY'RE NOT THE TEENAGE ALIEN NINJA TURTLES!" Granted, Michael Bay is pretty much an awful director, but it’s interesting that the franchise that most of us know and love is actually in some sense a “reboot” itself. The original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were comic book heroes that murdered and maimed for the greater good. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles I and most of my peers know and love said things like “Cowabunga!” and taught us to not do drugs. As terrible as Bay’s ideas may be, comic book purists would probably argue that the 1980s cartoon was also a travesty against the original.

Like most kids, I had no idea that the TMNT comics existed as a kid. I just liked the cartoons, the movies, the toys, and the video games. But I think the most interesting thing is that, as I try to recollect, I can’t remember a single episode of the Ninja Turtles cartoon.

Not one. Zilch. Nada.

I can remember things that happened on episodes of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and Animaniacs and various other shows I watched as a child. But off the top of my head I don’t recall a single episode of the cartoon, and barely remember anything about the movies. (Literally the only memory I can conjure instantly from the movies: at the end of Part III, the turtles, having been transported to the past, are on the brink of death. Michelangelo makes the comment, “Hey, if we die in the past, will we still be born in the future?” I have no idea why that’s apparently the only scene that mattered to me.)

But then, TMNT was never about the show – it was about the characters. I do vividly remember racing around the Fisher Elementary playground with a group of boys pretending to be the turtles fighting the foot clan. I do instantly recollect my Ninja Turtle action figures and playing with them. I loved playing my TMNT game on my Nintendo, even though I could never make it past the stupid city level, even with the Game Genie!

So what makes the turtle characters so relatable to little boys? I suggest: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles represent personality archetypes diverse enough to appeal to anyone.

Ridiculous? Maybe. But I was spurred to think about this after reading a commentary piece online. Actor Sean Astin has signed on to voice Raphael, and he expressed excitement, declaring that Raph was “everyone’s favorite turtle.” The interviewer, Darren Franich, was shocked - as was I when I read those words. Here’s Franich's take:

"When I was a kid, my friends were split in three very distinctive directions when it came to the Turtles: My cool friends who played sports liked Leonardo; my friends who didn’t play sports but considered themselves cool liked Michelangelo; and I liked Donatello, which now that I think about it explains everything I have ever done since childhood. Nobody liked Raphael."

My experience is basically exactly the same as the blogger. I ran in nerdy social circles, and all of us loved Donatello. My elementary best friend who was way cooler than me loved Leonardo. The goofy kid that got in trouble for acting up in class loved Michelangelo. Nobody wanted to be Raphael because Raphael is a whiner. He’s the emo kid of the bunch.

Before getting married, my wife and I did premarital counseling, and our counselor brought up a personality types theory that splits people into one of four categories. As I thought about the turtles, I made a startling discovery: each personality type corresponds to a Ninja Turtle.

Don’t believe me? Let’s try it:

There are four personality types: Blue, green, gold, and orange.

GOLD: They love to have a plan in place and want everything to be orderly and disciplined. A gold makes a schedule and sticks to it and gets frustrated when others seem to be flying by the seat of their pants. Golds tend to be leaders.

GOLD TURTLE: Leonardo. He’s the older brother of the group, the one who gets the others to follow his lead. Leo works with a plan and whips the other turtles into shape when they slack off.

GREEN: Greens need for things to make sense. They follow the rules when they seem logical, but veer off when they think they’ve discovered a better way. They can be wordy and heady, and get frustrated with illogical plans and behaviors.

GREEN TURTLE: Donatello. The techy turtle, he uses his brains to invent things and find practical solutions to the heroes’ problems. (Incidentally, I am a green.)

ORANGE: Oranges exist for fun. They live in the moment, don’t plan anything out, and get frustrated when forced to follow strict rules. Oranges are people-oriented rather than task-oriented.

ORANGE TURTLE: Michelangelo, the biggest no-brainer of the four. Here’s the life of the party, the clown of the group. Michelangelo never takes anything seriously.

BLUE: Blues are relationship-focused. They work with a plan fairly well, but if they have to choose between connecting with someone or getting something done, they’ll choose the personal connection. Blues are sentimentalists.

BLUE TURTLE: Now this is where it gets tricky. Raphael is the only turtle left, but he’s no sentimental, touchy-feely soul. However, I suggest that Raph is a blue, only he’s the negative side of being blue. Raph is a blue who feels he can’t have those connections, so it frustrates him. That’s what fuels his angst.

On that note, I suggest to you that this is why I know very few people that love Raphael. Leo, Don and Mike embody the best of their personality types, while Raph embodies the worst. Those who love Raphael, such as Sean Astin, must see past the rough exterior to the truth within.

And that’s why the identity of your favorite Ninja Turtle reveals great truths about your character and personality.